I can't recall how the argument started, but I vividly remember my daughter becoming quite agitated because she felt "I wasn't listening" and insisted that she had every right to be angry or moody. That's when I chose to stay silent and truly listen as she poured out a torrent of emotions.
It required effort not to interject, not to offer advice on how she should feel, or to react defensively because her emotions made me uneasy. Instead, I sat and absorbed it all—listening without judgment, refraining from trying to "fix" things, and setting aside my own need to protect myself, even when some of her words were aimed at me.
When we feel attacked, our natural impulse is to react. In that moment, her words struck me deeply: "I am a bad mum," "I never listen," "I don’t allow those emotions." That last comment hit home because it was true—I found those emotions uncomfortable, especially when they were directed at me. But she needed to express them and release them. So, I remained silent and listened. She expressed herself for over 20 minutes, alternating between tears, anger, condescension, blame, and moments of mature self-awareness about her own emotions and how they might affect me. At times, she showed care and empathy toward me and my feelings.
When she had finished, I suggested she might need some quiet time and brought her food on a tray to her bedroom. She thanked me and spent the next hour there. When she emerged, she seemed transformed—happier, more open, and everything felt peaceful and joyful again.
As humans, we often struggle to understand, regulate, and navigate through our emotions. We're taught that emotions are "bad" or that we shouldn't express them.
As children, we're told not to cry; as teenagers, we're told to "get over it" after a breakup; and when we experience loss, people often don't know what to say. Emotions make us and those around us uncomfortable, even positive ones at times.
We live in a society that often overlooks emotions, lacking the tools to navigate them, and rarely teaching us about them. Emotions are meant to be felt, sometimes in the company of others. Being a good support for someone experiencing intense emotions means allowing and encouraging them to feel those emotions fully. It's when we allow ourselves to experience the full spectrum of emotions that we no longer fear them. We can then release them and regain our equilibrium.
What I realized I did for my daughter that day was give her the space to express herself without judgment, to feel safe, and to believe in her ability to self-regulate once those emotions were expressed. It allowed me to reflect on why I was always defensive, why I felt the need to deflect or dismiss, and why certain emotions made me uncomfortable.
By letting my daughter fully express herself, I was able to address the unkind words that were hurting her and find ways to improve our relationship. Allowing someone to "vent" their emotions helps them decompress, cope, and reconnect with themselves.
I hope this experience taught my daughter that she is entitled and free to share her feelings, that her emotions, needs, and wants are valid, and that I am a safe space for her. It also taught me to allow others to experience their emotions without interference, to offer comfort and understanding, and to reassure them that their feelings are valid and expressing them is a healthy human act.
We are all human, and emotions are a fundamental part of our experience. Bottling them up doesn't help; instead, finding a trusted friend, parent, or safe person to share them with can bring comfort and understanding. I've practiced meditation, allowing myself to experience a range of emotions without judgment, which has deepened my compassion and empathy for myself and others. Here's to embracing our emotions!
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